The War of the Night: Serana's Journey
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Serana is captured before the destruction of Helgen. She escapes before Alduin attacks but vows to wipe out both the Imperials and the Stormcloaks for their hatred of vampires. Warning contains: poop, vomit, death and mentions of ear-fluid
1. Prisoner at Helgen

Author's note: This is a request from PinkieScootalooSweetieDash which I think will be at least 8 chapters long. Hope you enjoy.

Serana had been running for days. She had only gone to buy some new clothes in the market and had already been recognised as a vampire. The people of Windhelm did not like this and so they had raised a mob to try to 'kill the vampire'. Why were her people so hated? It wasn't as if she'd bitten anyone in the city... Yet. And if she did, she would be sure not to leave any witnesses. She thought that she would've gotten away from the mob by now but they were persistent and now she had developed chronic diarrhea from all the exertion. Plus she had run out of stamina and also supplies of skooma, to which she was addicted.

She gasped for breath and began hobbling along with poop spraying out from beneath her vampire armor and serious withdrawal shakes setting in. Now she had another problem, the sun was rising and a bear had run off with her hood so she could no longer cover her face from the it's burning touch. As she tried to scramble away she heard the mob hollering and running. They seemed to be running in the opposite direction. How odd, she thought.

Suddenly something knocked her to the ground and she felt her hands being tied behind her back. She struggled in vain as she was unable to use her necromancy due to the lack of dead bodies in the area and also because diarrhea negates one's ability to use magic. A voice shouted, "She's one of the Stormcloaks! Take her! General Tullius will want her executed with the rest." Then they all covered their mouths as she stank of poop and they used a large shovel to put her into the cart.

There was so much diarrhea. So much that she had no strength to run away or even to move. She was stuck with a bunch of filthy Nords who kept glaring and spitting at her - all except the man in the fur cloak who was gagged for some reason. She too had been gagged to prevent her from biting anyone, as the Imperial soldiers who had captured her had recognised her as a vampire because of her eyes. They did not want her using her 'red magic' on anybody. She kept trying to mumble to the others in the cart to ask where they were headed, but they ignored her and just talked amongst themselves about typically Nordish things: death, Sovngarde, glory and ear-fluid.

A day later she was so hungry that she felt as though she could eat her own arm. She was also burned badly by the sun and the Nords kept laughing at her and kicking out at her when she tried to move. She kicked back, and that seemed to terrify them. They stupidly believed that just touching her could cause them to develop vampirism. She threw up again, as she was very travel sick, and vomit spurted everywhere out from the corners of her gag; the Nords retreated to the far end of the cart, fearful that it was infectious vomit and that somehow it would cause them all to become vampire thralls or develop toxic shock syndrome. Soon the cart came to a stop and they were all dragged out. She could see a chopping block nearby and she knew what was going to happen. The man with the gag was dragged away to one side, people referring to him as 'Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak' - she guessed her was the leader of the Stormcloak rebels.

The first man was dragged to the chopping block and his head sliced clean off by the headsman's axe. His head rolled across the courtyard like a homeless watermelon and came to rest at the feet of General Tullius. He was promptly sick and vomited all over his second in command, who then vomited also due to the shock and humiliation of it all. Vomit coated the courtyard and soon the heads were floating in it.

The second in command called forth Serana, only addressing her as 'the Stormcloak vampire'. The General was shocked to see a vampire fighting for the Stormcloaks and even more shocked by the amount of poop still pouring out of her colon and mixing with the vomit in the courtyard like some sort of horrific stew. As she laid her head on the block, she rolled her eyes. This would not kill her! Only a stake through the colon could do that, but nobody knew that as it was her deepest secret. Everyone else thought it had to be a stake through the heart. She stopped thinking as her nose was pressed into the vomit/shit stew and she vomited herself.

The headsman raised the axe but suddenly there was a roar from overhead. A dragon had appeared! Dragons hadn't been seen for centuries! What could this mean?! But centuries were a long time to go without a poop and suddenly the whole area was covered in the biggest, smelliest dump that could ever be imagined. It killed three of the Imperial soldiers with the impact, and thirteen more with the stench. It was...a dragon poop! Panic ensued and everyone forgot that there was a vampire waiting to be beheaded as now the dragon had started to attack the town. To attack Helgen. She stood up, shook the vomit off her face and began to run through all the burning, poop-covered buildings. Dragon poop, it seemed, was like napalm...especially when mixed with vomit.

She refused help from a Stormcloak man covered in poop named Ralof, then later refused aid from an Imperial soldier named Hadvar too. She hated both sides and just wished someone would show kindness to vampires. Slinking away into the wilderness she vowed that she would take revenge on both sides in this silly civil war. The Empire considered themselves inclusive of everyone...but this courtesy did not extend to vampires it seemed. The Stormcloaks were racist bigots who loathed those who were different...they would not be friends to her people. She raged inwardly and felt a strange power rising in her chest. She vomited again, and as she did so a loud Shout emanated from her mouth; vomit shot everywhere.

"FUS RO VOM!"

Serana had just discovered her Dragonborn powers by accident! Whilst vomiting! Yet she did not understand them. She would need to return to her people to seek guidance and to rally help for the war that was to come.


	2. Rebels of the Eternal Night

The walk home to Castle Volkihar was long and arduous. Serana could smell the various bodily fluids on her and she did not like it. Every creature within a ten mile radius was attacking her or being killed from toxic shock syndrome when she accidentally vomited on them. Her smell was starting to attract even more attention as she came within sight of Icewater Jetty, and some ice wolves leapt out of a bush at her and attempted to dismember her leg! She started to panic as she had no weapon, as it had been confiscated by the guards when she was arrested near Helgen. She knew that she could not risk turning into a Vampire Lord so close to a human fort and also she knew that Vampire Lord diarrhea could destroy her own anus so she thought the better of transforming...

...and then she remembered. She inhaled the icy air which stung her lungs as she yelled,

"FUS...RO...VOM!"

The wolves yelped as they were hydro-pumped across the valley by a stream of rancid, bat-filled vomit that spewed forth from Serana's mouth like a jet washer. After the initial shock wore off she pursued the wolf corpses across the valley and tore off their pelts like a madwoman in order to change her dirty clothes. She did not have the time to tan the hides and so the bloodied and maggot filled skins squelched against her naked skin. She continued to Icewater Jetty looking more Nordish than ever.

When she reached Icewater Jetty she sighed in relief as the boat was still there and had not been stolen by bandits again. She started to paddle out towards the castle but soon felt her bowels grumbling. She passed faster as she knew a bout of explosive and bean-filled diarrhea was close at hand. A sudden shriek from a seabird frightened her and she lost control of her bowels! A scream started in her chest and travelled up her throat to her mouth where it exploded out as,

"POOP RO DAH!"

Diarrhea shot out of ever orifice - including her ears - and started to corrode the wood of the boat instantly, as well as the pelts Serana was wearing as clothing. She panicked as the boat started to sink with the corrosive effect of the poop as well as the sheer weight of it all. She paddled faster but it was to no avail...she soon found herself naked in the icy water as the boat sank valiantly beneath the waves to its poopy doom. She cried as she swam the rest of the way home, leaving a trail of poop and vomit in her wake, but soon she stopped her years as she realized that at least she would return home clean.

Scrambling out of the water, she made her way up the gargoyle-protected bridge. She pushed wide the doors of Castle Volkihar like Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings and all of the members of the vampiric coven gasped in awe. They thought she was dead! Where had she been?! And why was she naked?! There were many questions, but these would be left for another time as Serana bellowed,

"Fetch the cattle! I must hold a meeting to tell you all grave news...and there we will feast!" Cheers erupted from all around the hall. Most of the vampires had known Serana since school and they had been a bunch of misfits back then. Her father had allowed them to move into the castle, but had soon left himself as he could not abide all the loud sex noises and death metal music in the middle of the day when everyone should have been sleeping in their coffins. Lord Harkon now lives in Septimus Sigmus's old outpost as it was quiet there since the old man had thrown himself into the sea on a quest to find Hermaeus Mora.

The only friend who had not attended school with Serana was a strange, pale-skinned man who was not even a vampire, he just enjoyed the taste of human blood. Serana had met him whilst on holiday one year. His name was Lord Voldemort and he was often mocked for not being a true vampire and for being kicked out of the College of Winterhold for gratuitously torturing students. There was some debate over whether he should even be invited to the feast considering that he was currently in disgrace. He was unable to take blood from his victims without transferring livers magically into their bodies, causing them to explode into a crazy shower of internal organs which alerted every guard nearby. The gang was fed up with paying off Voldemort's bounty and so this next mission would be his final chance to prove himself before they kicked him out of the castle for good.

Meanwhile in the cells of Castle Volkihar, one of the vampire cattle heard the jubilation above and realized that his days were probably numbered. He knew he was going to die, but he did not want to go without a fight. Grabbing a nearby live skeever he sunk his teeth into its spine, ripping and tearing like a werewolf descending on its prey. He vomited because it tasted so bad, but he knew that it would probably be infected with something like Ataxia or Rockjoint and he hoped that by infecting himself with the disease the vampires would contract dysentry after draining him of blood. He ate the entire skeever and then passed out in a pool of skeever-guts and his own puke.

Later at the feast above, Serana explained her harrowing experience to the waiting group. Everyone listened intently with wide eyes and open mouths, blood dripping onto their laps as their fangs glinted in the candlelight.

"...and that's why we must destroy the Empire! Wipe out the Stormcloaks! Crush the Dawnguard beneath out feet! And see that all those petty guilds who would seek to threaten us, like the Dark Brotherhood and the Companions, are so broken that they can never rise to oppose us again! TO WAR!" She let out a shriek of laughter and the whole hall applauded and joined in the manic laughter as the heady idea of vampiric supremacy took hold. The cattle they were feeding off moaned even louder, dreading a world where their children would be subjected to the same torment as they were.

"But Lady Serana..." A dark-elf vampire, named Kerin Fethril, spoke up from his seat at the table, "...if we are to form our own faction and wage this glorious war then surely we need a name? A name for our rebellion?" Serana looked thoughtful and people started to debate,

" We should be the Legion of the Tooth!" Shouted a female Imperial vampire named Justinia Vasilius.

"No! That is ridiculous!" Said a male Nord vampire named Ulsgar Vileblood, "We should be the Gang of Death!" A loud boo rang out around the hall as the others disapproved of Ulsgar's idea. Suddenly a drunken vampire, also a Nord, named Jurgen Trollsmasher spoke up in a slurred voice,

"What about the Legion of the Horrible Spider? I saw a big one in the basement yesterday..." The whole table went silent and they glared at him for his stupidity. Then Serana announced,

"Enough of this tomfoolery! We will be the Rebels of the Eternal Night! Tomorrow we will travel to Windhelm to cut down that blowhard Ulfric Stormcloak!" Everyone cheered again at this impressively cool name and then went back to feeding off the cattle. Blood spurted everywhere as they sated their hunger. Jurgen even went as far as to lick blood from the floor, until he grabbed Voldemort's leg and started feeding by accident. Voldemort booted him unconscious and honked noisily. They drained the cattle dry, knowing that they would need their strength to fight this battle.

Then...one by one the vampires started to feel unwell. "My Lady, I..." Started one of the group before he vomited profusely into his own lap. Serana stood and looked on abject horror as all of her friends started to vomit and shit themselves all over the castle's main hall - forcibly redecorating all of her father's expensive architecture. The drunken Nord on he floor did not notice as the tide began to rise and he slowly began to float around on the floor. Jet-hosed diarrhea was flying everywhere and some hit Voldemort in the face, making him involuntarily expell ear-fluid at Mach 3 from both ears. Everyone started screaming,

"We've been poisoned! We've drank diseased blood and now our vampiric immune system is purging us the only way it knows how!" Once again Serana felt something powerful and deadly welling up inside her. She couldn't hold it a second longer,

"FUS RO VOM!" And then a second later...

"POOP RO DAH!" A tidal wave of vomit and shit flew around the castle and the gang had to swim out towards the bay and out into the wide Skyrim sea, as there was no longer a boat. They swam all the way to Windhelm over a period of a week, sheltering on an island at one point to regroup. They met a horker who refused to die when they attacked him, so Serana blooded him and he became the fearsome Baron Blutmeister von Tusk!

Ulfric did not know, but his days were numbered.


	3. Assault on Windhelm!

After swimming for a week and resting on various islands, chasing the resident horkers into the sea or having Baron von Tusk devour them, Serana and the Rebels of the Eternal Night finally arrived at the Windhelm docks. Serana's heart sank when she saw how heavily defended the area was and how many civilians were milling around. They needed an assault plan, so they all gathered in the icy water beneath the boardwalk to confer,

"What are we going to do?! There must be hundreds of them! It's like every Stormcloak in Skyrim is here in the city!" Whispered a Breton vampire named Esther. Serana steeled herself for a fight and replied,

"We need to get past them to Ulfric. We need a distraction..." A dark shrouded figure swam forwards with red eyes shining from beneath his black hood; it was Voldemort,

"I could be of service to thee..." He rasped in an ethereal voice, "...I could fire my targeted liver shot into the river and fill the waters with deep, slippery organs. This would distract them I assure you. They would believe that their doom was coming..." He honked out a loud chuckle that sounded somewhere between a sob and Canada geese mating. Serana considered this and both Ulsgar and Kerin agreed with Voldemort that would be a good idea. Reluctantly she agreed to the plan but she grasped the pale man by the throat and shook him, making him sway slightly in the water and give a surprised honk,

"Your idea better work, scum. If you dare transfer livers into someone's body again, and get a bounty, I will personally feed you to the Death Hounds! She hissed in annoyance and then threw him away from her, causing Voldemort to drift slightly like some dandelion fluff on a stream. As the rest of the Rebels started to sneak out of the water, Voldemort stayed behind ready to instigate the liver shot upon Serana's command.

They slipped quietly towards the city gate and then Serana turned back towards where Voldemort was waiting and gave the signal. A slow flowing stream of gelatinous, diseased livers began flowing downstream and panicked the locals who all rushed to investigate...leaving the city gates unguarded. The vampires took their chance and slipped unnoticed into the city of Windhelm. Now the true struggle of trying to reach the Palace of Kings would begin, as the city was full of people and the guards looked extra cautious as Ulfric was holding a meeting with all the Stormcloaks in the land attending. They split up to try and find the best route to the Palace but all they managed to find was young boy crying and trying to perform a ritual involving human flesh. Sneaking up on the child, Serana grabbed him and covered his mouth so he could not cry out,

"What are you doing, eh? Trying necromancy?" She hissed into his ear. The boy started crying more and tried to speak,

"I'm trying to summon the Dark Brotherhood to kill the orphanage lady as she was mean to me and used to make me live in the toilet." Serana respected this boy and thought he could be useful in the fight against humanity and so dragged him off down an alleyway and bit into his neck, blooding him as a vampire. He screamed and fell into the snow, where he would remain for several hours until he reanimated as an unholy vampire boy.

"Fascinating." Said Serana, "Any organisation that can be called upon to kill random people is a threat to us as well! We must turn our attention to the Dark Brotherhood after Ulfric and Tullius are dead." Jurgen Trollsmasher nodded in agreement as he did not understand what she had just said...because he was drunk again.

As they began to sneak up the steps to the Palace a great commotion occurred. Baron Blutmeister von Tusk had flopped his way noisily into the city - not understanding the concept of 'undercover' - and had upturned a market stall only to feast upon the leg of the High-Elf stallkeeper. His arfing noises were drawing every guard in the city and he was fighting valiantly with his mutated vampire flippers and his gigantic tusks which were capable of transfering bubonic plague. People started to erupt into massive pustules and then pus started to seep like lava from the marketplace towards the tavern. Serana seized the distraction caused by the undead-horker and announced a charge,

"CHAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGE!" The Rebels of the Eternal Night split themselves into two groups and assaulted the doors to the Palace, ripping them open with their teeth like tin-openers. Stormcloaks came from every angle and started hacking and slashing with their swords...but the vampires cut them down like Alaskan lumberjacks in a forest. Blood spurted everywhere and the vampires started falling upon their prey and slurping at the blood like starved dogs. It was bliss to the vampires and many of them started rolling around in the blood and gore orgasming from the sheer carnal joy of the situation. It was like one giant orgy of vampiric chaos...and Serana had to fight hard to overcome her primal instincts and join in.

Soon it was only Ulfric Stormcloak who remained. He sat on his throne and looked unimpressed because his guards had succumbed so easily to a bunch of retarded rebel vampires. He inhaled deeply in an effort to expel a powerful Thu'um but Serana had already anticipated this and hurled an over-ripe cabbage at his open mouth; it hit him with a 'thwack' and it was wedged into his mouth by his teeth, many of which were now irreparably smashed. He groaned in pain and frustration as the Thu'um was unable to exit through his mouth and so sought any other means of exit. A bellowing fart Thu'um-ed from his backside and the whole Palace began to feel of rancid colonic gas. A stream of red hot diarrhea followed the ass Thu'um as Ulfric began to fight hand-to-hand with Serana. He could not see over the cabbage wedged in his mouth and so he was merely swinging and kicking violently in no particular direction as she rained down blow after blow on his head with her sharp vampiric talons.

As Serana thrust she hands around Cabbageman's throat in an attempt to kill him once and for all, he secretly pulled a steel dagger from his belt and brought it level with her heart. She shrieked as the point pressed in through her armor but then was blasted out of the way by a stream of flying, gooey livers.

"NYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAGGGGH!" Voldemort had come up from the docks just in time and had saved Serana's life by jet-hosing her out of the way with livers! Livers flowed beautifully out of the noseless man's face as he leapt at Ulfric...who was completely unaware of the evolving situation as he could not see over the cabbage. The livers engulfed him as Voldemort bit down hard on his dong, injecting it with every last liver he had inside him. Ulfric began to vibrate and stagger around as blood poured from his crotch, and Voldemort pulled Serana along with him as he shouted,

"Quick, I am afeared that he is about to explode!" They did not look back as they exited the Palace of Kings. Ulfric was now oscillating at a dangerous level as the power of magical liver-giving was combined with his own latent Thu'um ability to create catastrophic results. The cabbage vibrated out of his mouth finally and he felt himself uncontrollably holler,

"FUS-RO-AAAARRRGGGH!" The entire building exploded with the force of Ulfric's Thu'um and then it imploded in on itself leaving just a patch of scorched and bloodied ground where once there had been greatness. Serana stood up from where she had been tossed against a wall.

"... Thank-you, Voldemort. You truly are one of us. A Rebel of the Eternal Night." He got all teary eyed as they ran back towards the city gates, but as they reached the marketplace they discovered a scene of utter depravity and limbs.

Baron Blutmeister von Tusk had eaten most of the townsfolk, feasted on their corpses, drained them of their blood and now he was humping the dead bodies in a grotesque yet captivating manner. His undead horker dong-juice was creating tiny ghostly mini-horkers which would bolster the numbers of Serana's army! Slapping Baron von Tusk on the rear flipper, Serana exclaimed,

"Cease your revelry, brother! We must go to Solitude to stop General Tullius before he and his Imperial Legion overrun our world!" The horker started to arf and flop his way back towards the main gate where many people who had remained trapped inside the city had died brutally of bubonic plague or toxic shock syndrome. Some of the survivors had inadvertently been blooded and joined the Rebels now that they were immune to horker-transmitted diseases. Aventus Aretino staggered from the frosty alleyway near the city walls,

"Whu...what happened...?" Serana knelt by his side and embraced him,

"You are now a child of the darkness, my son. You can use the powers of the bat to your advantage now. Fly to Riften and kill that old crone Grelod. Seek your revenge!" All of the Rebels started laughing and cheering as Aventus smiled, showing his new fangs and flew away to wreck havoc in Riften.

But now it was time to leave, as Solitude beckoned to Serana. General Tullius would pay for his campaign of terror against her and her kind. Justinia Vasilius, the Imperial vampire woman, had already been to the stables outside the city and blooded some horses for the group. Serana thanked her and made a short speech to her Rebels before they mounted their vampiric steeds and rode North-West to Solitude.

The night was drawing closer for General Tullius.


	4. Massacre in Solitude!

They rode for days in order to reach Solitude, which was the other end of Skyrim. On the way they encountered numerous bandit camps which they either ransacked like angry Vikings or made an alliance with the inhabitants and blooded any willing volunteers. Their group was slowly getting bigger and this made Serana very proud; no longer were they merely misfits, they were an army and they had a cause! Skyrim would belong to the Rebels of the Eternal Night!

Baron Blutmeister von Tusk had grown substantially since the Battle of Windhelm and had discovered new and exciting powers that he previously did not know he possessed. He had managed to telepathically summon an army of horkers which now bolstered Serana's army and slowly arfed along after the horses, ready to die at Baron von Tusk's command. He had also discovered the joys of sharpening his tusks on the bones of mortals.

They knew that they were reaching Solitude when they saw many guardsmen standing around aimlessly and discussing the rumors coming from Eastmarch about a horker attack in Windhelm's marketplace. They set up camp a little way from the city and searched for the main gates. Getting into Solitude proved very difficult. Serana ignored suggestions from her inner circle that they blow holes in the walls of the city, assault it with catapults or try to sneak in dressed as bards. She knew that none of these would work - mainly due to the fact that they lacked the resources to build siege weapons or make bardic clothing.

Suddenly a Breton vampire named Orla came running down the hill towards where Serana stood,

"There are many people entering the city! I overheard them talking and it seems they are all attending a wedding!" As the woman finished speaking, Serana was hit with a bolt of inspiration. They would enter the city undercover by dressing as wedding guests! She laughed as she embraced her vampiric sister, Orla, and exclaimed,

"You are a genius! We have a plan! Let us move further down the road and kill the wedding guests and steal their clothing and gift-trunks! We can hide our weapons in the trunks and..." Her jubilation ended abruptly as she realised they would have to do something drastic about the horkers. She motioned to Voldemort who drifted closer to her side,

"Voldemort, my brother, stay here with the horkers. We will return to regroup when we have the fine clothing and gift-trunks." Voldemort honked in sorrow. How he had wished to join the massacre of the wedding guests! Ever since Windhelm, livers had been multiplying exponentially within his body and he needed to expell them to alleviate the pressure they were putting on his bladder. He was already urinating all over his horse when they were riding. Now he was reduced to a mere incontinent stable-boy for horkers...

The vampires me their way stealthily towards the wedding procession. The guests were adorned with jewels and furs and large horses pulled carriages full of gifts. As Serana's army attacked, the people screamed and began crying over their expensive outfits,

"No! My tiara!" Yelled one horribly posh girl as a group of twenty vampires dragged her to the floor and feasted upon her. Blood went everywhere and stained her dress, which was now painted a wonderful shade of crimson. Serana chose this to be her dress. After the massacre was over, all the vampires stripped and got changed into wedding garb; some got into fights because there were far too many dresses and some of the men realised they were going to have to wear them. They butchered the horses for meat which they would sell to passing merchants to fund their war effort.

Upon returning to Voldemort, Serana shoved a blue dress at him and told him to get changed from his urine-stained robes. He cried in a honking manner as he laced up the corset of the dress and draped a scarf over his bald head. The horkers had been decked in decorative tablecloths that had been meant as a wedding present...however their appearance had not improved much and now they looked like disfigured mammoths draped in lacey lingerie. Serana and her army attached the horkers to the carts - some vampires hiding inside them to disguise their true numbers - whereas the others walked in a procession behind the carts.

It took two hours for the horkers to reach the main gate as they flopped their way along the road, arfing all the time. Passing guards either laughed or looked terrified as they passed by, but they were allowed entrance to the city and soon they found themselves at the wedding reception. The bride, Vittoria Vici, was radiant in her beautiful white dress and she encouraged them to eat, drink and be merry. They tried to act nonchalantly and mingle, but they found it boring and there was nothing at the buffet that appealed to their tastes. Soon it was time for the ceremony to begin and they all took their seats in the courtyard, Voldemort standing at the back as he looked to weird to be allowed into the actual reception. Vittoria stood to give her speech...and instead let out a scream of pain,

"ARRRRRGGGGGGH NOOOOOOO!" An arrow protruded from her chest and she fell to the floor with blood and diarrhea spurting from every orifice. Her groom was covered in it and died alongside his beloved of toxic shock syndrome. The vampires were shocked! What on Earth had gone on?! Serana saw a flicker of black as someone jumped from the rooftop and sprinted away. It was an assassin! Probably from the Dark Brotherhood... If they could assassinate someone in well-defended Solitude then they posed a threat to the vampires indeed. It only solidified Serana's resolve to kill the Dark Brotherhood next.

"This is perfect!" She whispered, "It's a diversion! Now, to Castle Dour and General Tullius!" As the real wedding guests fled in terror to the marketplace and the guards began to mass, the vampires quickly made their way to Castle Dour. They killed the guards in the courtyard and stormed the keep! Inside, General Tullius exclaimed as twenty bedraggled 'wedding guests' burst into the room with weapons drawn,

"Rikke! What the hell is this?! To arms!" He hollered as he ran into an adjacent room and left Legate Rikke alone to face the vampire hoard. As she drew her sword and steeled herself for battle the door flew open once more and strange mist appeared from nowhere,

"NYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAGGGGH!" It was Voldemort! He had come to help the final attack on the keep! Serana felt her heart surge with pride as she recalled his heroic actions in Windhelm. Voldemort land-surfed towards Legate Rikke at great speed, his hand outstretched, and she lost her balance as she was pushed away from him by the sheer speed of his movement. The back of her knees hit the balcony railings and she tumbled to her doom below,

"For the Empire!" She screamed as her body fell into the blacksmith's forge and ignited instantaneously. Voldemort watched and cackled as she began to spew fire out of her anus as she died, and her armor melted to form pool of diarrhea-laden slag at the bottom of the forge.

Meanwhile, Serana had pursued General Tullius into the other room and was ready to fight him. He drew his sword and challenged her to a duel. She laughed at him as she ranted,

"You can never defeat me, Tullius. Give in now and let me blood you as a vampire and I will let you live. You can be a Rebel of the Eternal Night and I'll even install you as Jarl of Solitude..." He cut her short,

"You idiot girl! I would rather have sex with a horker than join you and your silly little band of rejects!" Serana raised an eyebrow as she picked up a sword she found lying on the floor,

"That can be arranged, old man, but I'd rather just kill you here and now!" She hissed as she clashed swords with the General, feeling that he was physically much stronger than she was...despite her vampiric powers. He repeatedly parried her blows and struck out at her viciously, cornering her in no time; she began to regret accepting the duel, especially when he knocked the sword from her hand. He laughed as he spoke to her vampire associates,

"This pathetic worm is your leader? You are destined to fail! A vampire could never defeat the Imperial Legion!" Serana let a twisted smile run across her lips as she began to glow inexplicably,

"But Tullius, I have bested you... For I am not merely a vampire, but I am also...THE POPE!" A spectral mitre appeared above her head and the glow around her intensified until she was oscillating visibly with the power of it. Tullius felt himself beginning to ignite as holy fire scorched every inch of his being. He floundered around on the floor in a puddle of his own diarrhea and vomit, as it came out of his mouth and nose at an alarming rate. Voldemort expelled flammable napalm-livers at him which caused little organ-induced explosions all around Tullius's now still corpse, and caused the floor to become slippery with liver goo. The spectral mitre began to fade from above Serana's head and she returned to her normal state of vampiric being. The vampires all bowed their heads to her in respect and fear.

"Our mission..." She began, "...is complete." And a great cheer rose up from the Rebels of the Eternal Night. Just then the drunken Nord vampire, Jurgen Trollsmasher, came bursting into the castle.

"Serana! It's the Baron! He's doing stuff in the marketplace again! And the horkers are massing to assault the Blue Palace!" Everyone was shocked and they quickly began making their way to the marketplace to observe. Serana floated down the steps of the Castle feeling weak and tired, her Papal-Powers exhausted for one day.

Chaos reigned in the marketplace. Baron Blutmeister von Tusk was goring people to death and inducing plague and diarrhea in anyone who passed by. All of Solitude was succumbing to his masterful powers! Him and his own private army of fifty other horkers were arfing around the marketplace enjoying the bloodbath and flattening stalls with their sheer girth. It was beautiful. Serana was overcome with joy when she looked at the Baron - he had developed into such a wonderful and productive member of society! The horkers began to form ranks and arfed up the stairs of the Blue Palace until they headbutted the main gates in an attempt to gain entrance; the guards had barricaded the doors well, but when Baron Blutmeister von Tusk threw his massive weight against the door...it splintered like matchsticks. The horkers were through! They split into groups of two and mad their way up the stairs to where the Jarl would be. Some went to the kitchens however, to feast on the lowly kitchen staff in a depraved and plague-filled orgy.

Elisif could not get up. She was rooted to the spot with fear and her guards had either abandoned her or had been flattened and eaten by...by...my God... It couldn't be... Horkers! If only she had paid more attention to that book her nursemaid used to read to her as a child "When Horkers Attack"! Suddenly the mass of horkers gave way to one humongous specimen who reared up with all of his might...and came crashing down upon Elisif and the throne. She died smothered beneath many layers of blubber and having atrocious, fear-induced diarrhea. The fecal matter bathed Baron von Tusk and he wore it as some sort of terrifying war-paint as he bellowed his victory for all of Solitude to hear. The God of all horkers also heard the cry of one of his most favored children and so granted him a boon; he conglomerated seven horkers into one gigantic horker which could be used to assault entire towns on its own...or could be used as a blubbery battering ram in dire circumstances.

Serana hovered into the Blue Palace to see Baron Blutmeister von Tusk sitting atop the throne amidst the blood, guts and diarrhea of the old Jarl. She gasped and exclaimed,

"Von Tusk! You are truly worthy! I name you the new Jarl of Solitude!" Everyone cheered except Voldemort, who was heartbroken that he had not been named Jarl. The emotion was too much for him and the livers that had been multiplying within him spontaneously erupted out of his ears and coated the whole room in a film of liver goo. Serana looked on in horror as she shook her head,

"You were doing so well, my friend. Maybe we need to conduct surgery on you to find the root of this problem?" Voldemort honked as he backed away, slipped on a liver, got up again, and said,

"No, please Serana! I can be to our advantage...I will show you..." He carefully tip-toed between the livers towards the window and opened his mouth wide... Livers spewed out of him at Mach 2, like diarrhea out of someone with gastroenteritis. They pelted the remaining inhabitants of Solitude and caused them to explode in piles of livery wrongness. Serana was impressed as was the rest of her army.

"Very well, my friend, we will leave you intact and conduct no vivisection upon you." She turned to her army, and to the horkers,

"We have won a victory here today, but the war is far from over! The Dark Brotherhood has shown its face here today and they are a DANGER TO OUR KIND! Let us now scatter to the four winds to find the location of their hideout! And never forget that you are Rebels! Rebels can never fail!" They all roared in agreement and ran from the city, hoping to find a lead as to the location of the Dark Brotherhood's sanctuary.

Darkness was coming for the Dark Brotherhood...


End file.
